Apologies For The Ramble

Sigh.

A night where I went out earlier with the old pup to have a coffee (drive through and he gets to eat a piece of ‘ol fashioned plain with me), a night where I came back to have another epsom salt bath for the back, a night where most the chores are completed and a night where I watched some great YouTube of artist videos….

….is also the night that’s turned into listening to someone who’s had a few too many and I now hear the rage rage RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE. Rage about people that shouldn’t have kids, rage about people that (she judges) are stupid, people that need to be killed (as she watches crime shows about more depressing kills and rapes and so on), and other oh so happy topics.

I never understand negative people…it’s an oddly human thing where some folks enjoy life and others, like a certain someone, seemingly can’t. She enjoys being enraged all the time….seems depressed when she’s not angrily ranting about someone else. She speaks of retirement, speaks of how she can’t wait to retire and only then will have some peace from work (and life) yet the first 40-50 years of her life will be filled with anger, jealousy and sadness and probably a shock at how those years have passed way too quickly and now she’s old and so may as well be depressed, sad and angry at the world…

I fight my battle almost each day either with this person or with others in public where I just shake my head at how people are simply wasting their time on this planet being miserable shits.

I fight the battle to stay positive. To find meaning in my life for ME and to move forward trying to go to sleep happy and to wake up with the new day ahead of me.  I go for coffees, I draw, I watch shows I like, I fix things that need fixing, try to be as aware as I can be and helpful (simple act of hitting the hot water thing on the kettle for coworkers at work, or refilling it whenever I’m in there even if I’m grabbing coffee) to pushing in chairs that are out and people could run into…just little acts. It’s probably a big reason why I enjoyed Japan so much. The little things that people seem to do just because it’s a nice and unselfish thing to do.

It’s funny. Earlier too I was saying how I’ll be setting up my drawing space at work. I just realized I’ve set up another little spot in the house here too for drawing….at the end of the kitchen table away from everything, I have set up my space. I have all these little spaces. I have my space up in the computer room (though have to fight tooth and nails to be able to ‘draw’ up there so I sit down here…earlier just spacing out while someone rants on and on and on….now have made these spots where I can have half a headphone set in, have music while I draw and multi task by saying ‘yes, uh huh, right, yeah’ to the person ranting 10 feet from me.

Tomorrow morning since I don’t have the day off, I’ll get up, leave earlier, sit and enjoy a breakfast out before work and it’ll be wonderful. Is it good for me? No probably not at all…calorie wise but self and soul wise? Absolutely.

 

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Sunday Before Non Remembrance Day Holiday

You know, I’m not really miffed that we don’t get the day off. I’m more miffed that we had it off in previous years (touted as ‘look at us we’re being generous!!!) and then this year it’s the cold ‘as per the labour law’ we aren’t giving you the day off. Well that’s nice of you.

(Insert Sarcasm)

So something interesting will be going on at work though am not at liberty to say though it may prove to be a little juicy.

Today has been okay for the most part. Even yesterday was okay for the most part. We tried to put the Gazebo cover on for the winter but it’s too large, too cumbersome and too tough to get it on top of it…so today I will try (in a little bit) to put a tarp on top instead. If the design of the cover was better, such as a diamond shaped top with zippers for all four sides and then you just zip all of it on…nope, it’s one giant 4 cornered one roofed area with multiple holes for getting caught on multiple things while trying to get this thing on top. A bad review will be placed on Costco’s website for it.

I’ve had a couple coffees today while doing laundry, reading more of my book and just doing some tidying around home.  The wife gets the day off tomorrow. Hope she uses it to enjoy instead of being super bored, becomes super out of it (too much indulging if you know what I mean) and then another day goes by without her living some kind of semblance of life for the free day she’s blessed with.  I hope she can sleep in, watch TV she likes, do some craft she likes etc.

I’ve decided. At work, I’m happy I have an extra workstation behind me in the same cube that’s been empty for some time now. I will bring my light table thing and set up my drawing area there that I’ll use at lunch. Funniest thing is that my father did that years back when still working. He got a whole room to do his painting when he finished his work for the day or was waiting for work to do. I will do the same and carry on the same tradition of doing some art I enjoy doing.

What else….we picked up a bunch of things yesterday while shopping to donate to the SPCA for animal care. It’s been a couple years since but it’ll be nice to do once again.

I was watching a show in Japanese on YouTube about mangaka’s or Manga Artists and their techniques. It’s interesting as they set up cameras in their work space and capture them working and then later on one artist (the host) sits with the other artist (whom they’re filming) and they do commentary about how the one person works. It’s really neat to me. The one I watched today was a comic artist that is 72 years old. Been drawing for 50 years. So cool.

I may watch more of that, finish my book and then do more sketching.

Hope everyone’s doing well!

 

 

 

 

The Long Blog…

Well once again I’m alone in the evening.  I could be upstairs with the wife in bed but it’s one of those things where honestly, if I were to go to bed at 6 o’clock, I’d fall asleep (as I can do that) but then would be wide awake at 2am…and then what…lay in bed for 6 hours? More? It’s Saturday tomorrow btw.

I’m unsure by the looks I’m getting but wonder what the deal is lately.  I do things for us, I do a LOT of things for us….she’s been kind enough to make some meals for our week ahead which has been helpful absolutely.  I’m not sure where her head is at and no amount of asking if she’s okay or has something on her mind seems to gain any answers or start any discussion.  She’ll just stare blankly at the TV and have a drink or 3 some evenings and not say much.  At some points she’ll have enough liquid and we’ll go to bed and then confess to me that the reason she’s drinking is because she’s bored. I have a friend who’s husband does this too. Or rather does the boredom drinking. With him it’s playing video games and drinking while doing so and in the end he’s consumed half a dozen beer or other stuff and the friend isn’t too happy that he’s doing this.

I understand being bored or feeling bored. I spent a lot of my tens and even a lot of my early 20s feeling this.  I was lonely, I was depressed and I was sad. A perfect storm for boredom to rear it’s head.  The things that got me out of being bored was gaining good friends, pursuing interests old and new (drawing and the gym) and treating myself out to a coffee or what not. Just anything to get into public even if I never engaged in any discussions with people. Sometimes I’d just mall wander. Sometimes I’d see a movie. You get the picture. I actively did things and although some may think ‘well I don’t want to just do things just so i’m not bored’ that may be the initial thought but once a person does enough things and finds a couple they enjoy (or miss when unable to do them) then that’s the key. That’s what can get you ‘un’ bored.

We have a wonderful life here. We have two healthy pups, a nice house, money to cover living expenses and even some extra for trips. We’re both healthy (well my backs another question) and so it’s confusing to me why the person that has things she wants (house, money, health, family and a husband that cares – yes I DO care) and yet can’t shake herself out of her circle of boredom.  Does she expect that I and I alone will task myself with the time and effort to try to coax, to listen, to actively push push push and push some more to get her out of her rut?  I’ve read things in the past that stated that You are responsible for your own happiness. Sure others can help absolutely, but if you aren’t happy, don’t expect others to come to your rescue and make your life happy for you…

I think one of the issues too may come from me and my interests and my time taking time for ME things. I don’t want to lose my time or interest to draw things. I LOVE it. It’s a passion. It’s been a passion (love / hate affair) for nearly my entire life. I lost a lot of other things when moving out here (things I collected my whole life suddenly forced to toss – an act of which I’ve forgiven her although I am allowed to still remember it right?) and so I have fought these 6 years to retain some semblance of the person that I was, the person I became, the person I am and the person I like to be.

In marriage, it’s supposed to be a two way street. It’s supposed to be something where each of you is on the same team. When things get tough, there shouldn’t be blame, accusations, skirting of responsibility but rather more of a ‘gee that sucks, how can I help’ instead of the ‘well I didn’t make that call, sucks to be you, you’re on your own and btw do this for me’…that makes marriage difficult. A side effect of that is also grabbing and holding onto the ‘me’ things that much more strongly. I WILL take time to watch my shows. I WILL take time to draw things. I WILL draw what I WANT to draw.

I do care for my wife, especially when she’s sick or ill. I’ve made countless runs to the 24 hour pharmacy at 3am to pick her up the slightest thing that would help her out. I’ve (more times than I can count) have taken care of the household chores, ALL the household chores while she’s not feeling well.  I gladly do it as both a nice guy (which I am) and a good husband.

The flip side is when illness is self inflicted (and I can tell the empty bottles in the cupboard).  I am shall we say, ‘less’ caring about the condition. Oh sure when asked if I can pick things up to help her through, sports drink, ginger-ale, motion sickness pills etc. I’m happy to do it. Well maybe not happy but I’m obliged to do it and more happy because it feels like I’m living out my character (to me). I will continue to do so as I’ve built up my moral compass over the years.

It’s definitely a tough thing and I find it tough seeing my wife be a shut in, sick from too much indulgence, angry at the world, angry at her work, angry at her idiot coworkers (WHO ISN’T RIGHT? See them as dicks and move on) and being almost trapped in her own condition like a time loop on a sci-fi series. Day after day, week after week and turning into year after year. I’m seeing a woman who I met who had her whole life ahead of her but instead focuses on the entire rage from the present day in order to guide her evening and affect her sleep (and her marriage).

I’m a tough fella and have grown that way over the years but am still concerned with things, can still be hurt, can still be wounded…and still fight each day to want to keep this going as I both know that the girl I met is in there somewhere (hopefully to emerge one day) and much like waiting through someone’s jail sentence for them to be released, I’m hoping that one day this happens and she can be free to be happy, to have fun, to get in and stay in touch with friends, to appreciate family, hers and mine, and to see the world as one big cornucopia of people all just trying to figure a way to live their lives and get to the next day and the next weekend and the next vacation and the next happy moment.

(If by any chance this is being read by the person I speak of, please, you know that you can talk to me about anything…and we can get through anything. Hell we made it through two trips in a country where we speak no Japanese. We moved out here, we bought a house, we have done what we’ve done…LOOOK at what we’ve done…that’s no small feat so don’t, please don’t toss that aside thinking that I’m just being an ass and am not still caring for you. )

Apologies for the long ramble but have wanted to write something like this for a while now.

On another topic, I had acupuncture today for my back. It was very interesting. She even hooked up electrical pulses to them which did hurt some but she could adjust them. And then she left for 20 minutes while I laid there. Keeping myself calm and reminding myself to breathe and to relax, I got through the 20 minutes. It REALLY helped me. Sure I’m very sore but not in the chronic pain sense but more localized pain to the spots the needles were. It’s very mild in comparison to what I’ve been going through this whole week.  I have one more appointment Wednesday and am looking forward to it after my experience with today’s.

That’s all for now folks.

Sick of the Sick…

Friday

It’s Friday. Thank FFFFFriday.

Having popped a Robax and an Advil 400mg, I sit here with my still present back pain though thankfully I’m better than I was earlier this week.

Today is another one for the books. The book on stressors living with the person I live with.

Last night I hobbled to pick up the dog from doggy daycare (it’s close to my work), drive home and when I arrive home, the wife is already in bed.  She tells me she’s feeling like she’s coming down with something.  One look (and a smell of the room) and I can tell, it’s not anything physical that has you feeling ‘ill’. Flush face, eye contact wavering and half not paying attention.  She’s been hitting the drink (again).

I tend to think that she has altered her work schedule those 6 months back (at the time stating it was due to us getting a new puppy, reason being so the pup wouldn’t have to be at home locked up as long in case they messed) so that she could get her drink on prior to me arriving home a while later.

I told the wife I’m not heading to bed yet (even with my exhaustion from my back pain that’s been this full week so far) so headed downstairs to the living room and parked myself on the sofa and ate something.  I read more of my War on Art book and watched an episode of an anime I like and fell asleep on the sofa.  I napped like a baby.  The pups being upstairs with her asleep provided a real restful nap, for that I was happy.

I awoke hearing someone clunking down the stairs so sat up and I suspect she saw that instead of being upstairs with ‘her’ that I was enjoying time by myself napping and so she asked me to go grab some soup from a coffee shop nearby for her to eat.  Normally my reaction would be irritation but since I felt like I wanted a coffee then it was almost good timing for it.

I returned home and brought the food upstairs where she was obviously more in the bag than before.  She stated how she was feeling ill and thought she was catching something…  I shrugged it off and returned downstairs for a bit. Eventually I went back upstairs and had a nice long Epsom salt bath in the jet tub (for the back) and went to bed.

Three maybe four hours later I’m awoken by her. She’s not feeling well and proceeds to go hunting for her work phone to text in that she won’t be in today.  For all the complaining I hear about her work, her managers, her bosses, she’s INSANELY lucky that they aren’t on the ball or they’d have hauled her in for all the days she’s missed.  Any regular work place would have hauled her in ages ago.

I must admit it just pissed me right off. I don’t know why but it did. At least I thought there was a plus side to this.  I wouldn’t have to take the pup to doggy daycare today as he can stay home with her.

(I should be past getting irritated by the drinking problem as I usually just go about my business but think that the raw pain of my back this whole week has filed my usually tough emotional center to a soggy heap and so think that’s why it got to me so much. )

This morning I woke up earlier than usual after falling back to sleep and enjoyed a long hot shower before heading out to sit in a McDonald’s for breakfast.  It was funny. The one by our place is full of older Asians in the mornings.  This one was all Caucasians. Ah the medical talks. One about their teeth, one about walking and then they saw me hobble to my table though didn’t say anything.

I brought my drawing stuff with me for this afternoon’s drawing session. I figure if I can sit at work and work, I can sit somewhere and draw right?

And now for something completely different…

Yesterday at work I was reading through the account of our last trip abroad. What I did on my trip was I kept two separate streams of notes. A completely accounting of the day to email my friends and family and then the ‘real’ account posted on my blog (an older blog service, not here).  I sit back and think as I’m reading the two, how did I enjoy the trip??? With all the irritation that the wife basically causes for me, how was it that I got passed it and saw it as a wonderful awesome trip with a super angry, super judgmental, super pissed off and yes at times, too tipsy of a wife.

We’re planning another one of these trips for the upcoming year. And by we I mean ‘me’. Me for ‘we’.  I will have to take my thoughts and see what I can gain from this new trip (besides debt).

Sorry not much on this subject but just something I thought of nonetheless.

Hope everyone has a great Friday (and weekend!!).

Day of Pain and Chiropractor

Well I visited the chiropractor today. Boy oh boy. Shoulders on down were super tight and so there was a lot of hard work done on me. This woman can press hard eesh. It was good though overall and I do feel quite a bit better though she recommended another appointment later this week though this time using acupuncture so I’ll do that on Friday. I’ll have to move my drawing time around it to suit but the back comes first that’s for sure. Without no back, there is no drawing.

I remained home today from work as I was in quite nasty shape this morning all hunched over and unable to lift a 12 pound puppy. I caught up on Supergirl quite a bit which was nice and stopped while out for the appointment for a coffee and danish. It was good.

Not sure what tonight holds but yeah. Just happy that it went okay and hope that it stays not bad tonight and tomorrow.

The recommendation was also to get a new mattress for the bed. Ours is over 10 years old now and so says it’s definitely time to do that. We’ll see what the better half says about that one. I’m sure I’ll end up paying in full for it since it’s not her that’s in pain but we’ll see.

Still no sign of my movie that’s supposed to arrive today though there is still day left for them to deliver it. It’ll be nice to FINALLY be able to watch this movie. I previously had bought tickets for it and we dind’t end up going as she didn’t feel like it though was told if it were one of the movies IIIII liked then maybe we’d go uh huh.

The movie should be good though. At the very least the animation will be beautiful. It’s called Your Name (trailer shown below)

 

Back Pain is Back and So Was The Booze…

Here I am at work. I’m in pain and the back is partly the culprit.

It’s out once again. Usually this happens once or twice a year though (thankfully) not more.

What it does at home is it’s a true test of the kind of person I live with is.

Now before I go into this, I had suspected that perhaps the wife had been reading what I’ve been posting and although it’s all the truth from how I see things (as things happen TO me), I suspect it would be met with a harshness that even she had not opened up towards me yet.  So what I will try to do is show the most honest factual recounting of what occurred and if things blow up in my face, they do. That’s life.

Complaints about me and my very sore back (in which doubles me over in pain) were as follows:

-you should have covered the gazebo when you could and now since you’re hurt, when is this going to be done?!!?!

-this better not happen on one of our trips. I responded with well then you should know the plans then so you can go yourself.

All I know is that there is nothing / no sign of the following:

Sympathy, compassion, caring, stepping up to take care of things (as in letting the pup out when I can barely walk) etc.

There should have been the following:

Sympathy, compassion, caring about her husband and his pain. Stepping up and doing laundry (she did throw some stuff in and do some of it yes thankfully), dishes, cleaning generally, perhaps shoveling, perhaps letting the dogs out, and so on. Lord knows when she’s injured or tired or ‘not feeling well’ I do every single bloody thing.

All it was was this:

Anger and annoyance. She took the rice wine she bought and couple that with the rum and cokes she had purchased before and proceeded to get pass out drunk. At the time near bedtime as I’m in horrible pain, I had to both let the dogs out and walk the one around as he’s been neutered and this is the only way he’ll go do his business (as he will not with a cone on but will with it off when being walked), get in my car and drive myself to the drug store for back pain medications (all while gasping and leaning against my car waiting for the spasms to calm so I could physically GET INTO the car), walk in the store and buy the stuff, come back to the wife who’s irritated with me that I took so long and then she goes to bed a few mins later. She unplugged everything from my side of the bed angrily/drunkenly trying to get her heating pad (that I used earlier in the day) back on her side of the bed so as I came upstairs 10 mins later, and showered, my side of the bed was completely dark. Alarm clock had to be re-set, things had to be re-plugged in, so there’s me bending over reaching to plug this stuff in and all she did was lay there passed right out the night before work.

I tell you, if i’m not working on a divorce by now I wonder why the hell not. IF this is the true character showing true colors, I’d be better off in a 1 bedroom apartment with a TV, high speed wi-fi and none of this bullshit.

Apologies for the horribly negative blog. I’m in pain and her shit behavior isn’t cutting it.