Well once again I’m alone in the evening. I could be upstairs with the wife in bed but it’s one of those things where honestly, if I were to go to bed at 6 o’clock, I’d fall asleep (as I can do that) but then would be wide awake at 2am…and then what…lay in bed for 6 hours? More? It’s Saturday tomorrow btw.
I’m unsure by the looks I’m getting but wonder what the deal is lately. I do things for us, I do a LOT of things for us….she’s been kind enough to make some meals for our week ahead which has been helpful absolutely. I’m not sure where her head is at and no amount of asking if she’s okay or has something on her mind seems to gain any answers or start any discussion. She’ll just stare blankly at the TV and have a drink or 3 some evenings and not say much. At some points she’ll have enough liquid and we’ll go to bed and then confess to me that the reason she’s drinking is because she’s bored. I have a friend who’s husband does this too. Or rather does the boredom drinking. With him it’s playing video games and drinking while doing so and in the end he’s consumed half a dozen beer or other stuff and the friend isn’t too happy that he’s doing this.
I understand being bored or feeling bored. I spent a lot of my tens and even a lot of my early 20s feeling this. I was lonely, I was depressed and I was sad. A perfect storm for boredom to rear it’s head. The things that got me out of being bored was gaining good friends, pursuing interests old and new (drawing and the gym) and treating myself out to a coffee or what not. Just anything to get into public even if I never engaged in any discussions with people. Sometimes I’d just mall wander. Sometimes I’d see a movie. You get the picture. I actively did things and although some may think ‘well I don’t want to just do things just so i’m not bored’ that may be the initial thought but once a person does enough things and finds a couple they enjoy (or miss when unable to do them) then that’s the key. That’s what can get you ‘un’ bored.
We have a wonderful life here. We have two healthy pups, a nice house, money to cover living expenses and even some extra for trips. We’re both healthy (well my backs another question) and so it’s confusing to me why the person that has things she wants (house, money, health, family and a husband that cares – yes I DO care) and yet can’t shake herself out of her circle of boredom. Does she expect that I and I alone will task myself with the time and effort to try to coax, to listen, to actively push push push and push some more to get her out of her rut? I’ve read things in the past that stated that You are responsible for your own happiness. Sure others can help absolutely, but if you aren’t happy, don’t expect others to come to your rescue and make your life happy for you…
I think one of the issues too may come from me and my interests and my time taking time for ME things. I don’t want to lose my time or interest to draw things. I LOVE it. It’s a passion. It’s been a passion (love / hate affair) for nearly my entire life. I lost a lot of other things when moving out here (things I collected my whole life suddenly forced to toss – an act of which I’ve forgiven her although I am allowed to still remember it right?) and so I have fought these 6 years to retain some semblance of the person that I was, the person I became, the person I am and the person I like to be.
In marriage, it’s supposed to be a two way street. It’s supposed to be something where each of you is on the same team. When things get tough, there shouldn’t be blame, accusations, skirting of responsibility but rather more of a ‘gee that sucks, how can I help’ instead of the ‘well I didn’t make that call, sucks to be you, you’re on your own and btw do this for me’…that makes marriage difficult. A side effect of that is also grabbing and holding onto the ‘me’ things that much more strongly. I WILL take time to watch my shows. I WILL take time to draw things. I WILL draw what I WANT to draw.
I do care for my wife, especially when she’s sick or ill. I’ve made countless runs to the 24 hour pharmacy at 3am to pick her up the slightest thing that would help her out. I’ve (more times than I can count) have taken care of the household chores, ALL the household chores while she’s not feeling well. I gladly do it as both a nice guy (which I am) and a good husband.
The flip side is when illness is self inflicted (and I can tell the empty bottles in the cupboard). I am shall we say, ‘less’ caring about the condition. Oh sure when asked if I can pick things up to help her through, sports drink, ginger-ale, motion sickness pills etc. I’m happy to do it. Well maybe not happy but I’m obliged to do it and more happy because it feels like I’m living out my character (to me). I will continue to do so as I’ve built up my moral compass over the years.
It’s definitely a tough thing and I find it tough seeing my wife be a shut in, sick from too much indulgence, angry at the world, angry at her work, angry at her idiot coworkers (WHO ISN’T RIGHT? See them as dicks and move on) and being almost trapped in her own condition like a time loop on a sci-fi series. Day after day, week after week and turning into year after year. I’m seeing a woman who I met who had her whole life ahead of her but instead focuses on the entire rage from the present day in order to guide her evening and affect her sleep (and her marriage).
I’m a tough fella and have grown that way over the years but am still concerned with things, can still be hurt, can still be wounded…and still fight each day to want to keep this going as I both know that the girl I met is in there somewhere (hopefully to emerge one day) and much like waiting through someone’s jail sentence for them to be released, I’m hoping that one day this happens and she can be free to be happy, to have fun, to get in and stay in touch with friends, to appreciate family, hers and mine, and to see the world as one big cornucopia of people all just trying to figure a way to live their lives and get to the next day and the next weekend and the next vacation and the next happy moment.
(If by any chance this is being read by the person I speak of, please, you know that you can talk to me about anything…and we can get through anything. Hell we made it through two trips in a country where we speak no Japanese. We moved out here, we bought a house, we have done what we’ve done…LOOOK at what we’ve done…that’s no small feat so don’t, please don’t toss that aside thinking that I’m just being an ass and am not still caring for you. )
Apologies for the long ramble but have wanted to write something like this for a while now.
On another topic, I had acupuncture today for my back. It was very interesting. She even hooked up electrical pulses to them which did hurt some but she could adjust them. And then she left for 20 minutes while I laid there. Keeping myself calm and reminding myself to breathe and to relax, I got through the 20 minutes. It REALLY helped me. Sure I’m very sore but not in the chronic pain sense but more localized pain to the spots the needles were. It’s very mild in comparison to what I’ve been going through this whole week. I have one more appointment Wednesday and am looking forward to it after my experience with today’s.
That’s all for now folks.